Friday, June 06, 2008

Ron Horn is a nut - run a race he does and you will know it!

or read one of his weekly emails like this one.

Hounds & Honeys:

1) IMPORTANT REMINDER: The next Xterra MidWeek Trail Race is tonight (Wed) at Warwick Park, near St Peters, PA Also, the Commerce Bank Pro Bike race in Reading is tomorrow; amateurs start at 10 and pros are expected to go off at 1. Good places to see the race are right downtown at the start/finish & on the upper side of City Park where they climb to "near the Pagoda" on the last 3 laps!

2) EVEN MORE IMPORTANT REMINDER: The online reg deadline for the Wissahickon 10K Trail Classic on Sat ( and the Brandywine River Trail 15K on Sunday (on, I think) BOTH end at midnight tonight. Both are EXCELLENT events. The Sunday race is not drawing well so I'm giving it our EASY AWARD alert; come home with more hardware than a trip to Lowes. I'll also be sending out a course description tomorrow or Friday so you can confirm that you can REALLY get gnarly at the Brandywine, even in normally flat and barren Delaware. Both apps are on

3) ANOTHER REMINDER OF EVEN MORE MEGA-IMPORTANCE! The prereg cutoff for Pretzel City's summer trail classic, the Double Trouble 15k/30k in French Creek State Park is "postmarked by Monday, June 9" so this is the LAST eNewsletter you'll get before that needs to be in the mail! This is the longest (for some) event that Pretzel City Sports holds and you can choose what distance to do in mid-race, based on the weather, your fitness level, the amount of brew you consumed the night before, how badly you've chafed on the inside of your thighs, etc. There are a LOT of trail runs around but this is one of the oldest and most successful around for a REASON!: showers afterwards, a beautiful course that takes you around 2 lakes, a pool nearby, choice of tank top or regular shirt, etc.

4) WONDERFUL weekend for the roadies! On Sat, you can choose to do a FAST 5k in Lansdale (the Kugel Run-please note, this is the ONLY race we do each year with a rain date since it is associated with a festival so if the weather bites, call the contact number before making the trip-normally a very good place to win an award as well) OR you can do the lightening fast Perkasie Main St Mile Run, 1 mile of slightly downhill road with 2 heats based on age. Gives the 40+ folks a chance to lead the race, by not having to compete against those 39-year-old "whippersnappers"! Sunday, one of my favorites: the Oy Vey 5k in Ambler. These folks put on a really nice event. They have a ton of door prizes, indoor toilets, flat course, fair number of awards, etc.

5) A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, asks;

"Hey Buddy, I really need some help. Can you give me a push?
"Not a chance" says the husband, "its 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not. It is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Boy, do YOU have a short memory," says the wife. "Remember about 3 months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? Get up and help him this very minute and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man starts feeling a little guilty, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. Standing there in the deluge, he calls out into the dark,

"Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes, I am" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!"

6) Attention-People who only DREAM of winning an award: I'm putting out an EASY AWARD alert for both of NEXT Saturdays events. The one race is a first year event; the Go Daddy Go 5k just outside of beautiful Frenchtown, NJ. Don’t be confused by the name; it is for Daddy, Mommy, the products of Daddy/Mommy and people that just like to fool around. The race is in a park right outside of Frenchtown and right now, it gets a REALLY EASY AWARD designation since it only has about 30-35 entries so far. So, mosey on up there and then spend your post-race time in neat tourist destinations like Frenchtown, Lambertville, New Hope and Peddlers Village! The other event, down in Montgomery County, is headed by local running enthusiast Tom McGinley; the Worcester, PA Fire Co 5k. For those of you that don’t immediately know where Worcester is, as easily as you do Philly, Pittsburg, Salunga or Virginville, it is east of Skippack and near West Point, PA. This race has a really neat award system that is REALLY "topical" in our current times: the overall male gets a gift certif. to Runaway Success, the female winner gets a gift certif. to North Wales Running and the age group winners get a gift certificate to WAWA!! Can you say "FREE GAS"!!! A solution that neither McCain or Obama had come up with to date! Now watch me put my foot in my mouth when they end up being for a free "shortie" of your choice! Not that their "shorties" can't give you "gas" as well. I was never sent a copy of the app to post on the PCS site (hope to rectify that in the next day or two) but you can find out details on WARNING: this event has quite a bump between its post reg price and its "day of" price so get those apps in NOW! Hope to see a lot of BucksCo folks in Frenchtown and lots of MontCo folks in Worcester!

7) A shy guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

"This is exciting," thought the guy, "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Maybe I'll be able to see him in person."
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, he was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.

"This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the guy and said,

"Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends with the letters 'u-n-t?'"
Only one word leapt to mind to the gentleman. "My goodness," he thought. "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." He thought for awhile and then it hit him.
Turning to the pope, the gentleman said,

"I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."
"Of course!!" exclaimed the Pope with a look of revelation, to which he followed with

"Any chance you have an eraser?"

8) I think some people thought I was pulling their leg or some other body part last week when I announced that we were timing a clothing-optional off-road duathlon in 3 weeks. No, the Bare Hare Sprint "Du" is a legitimate event and one that benefits a charity; just like other races! Below is some info from the race directors on the event:

Hi. We are Gary & Sue Butts of ....B.A.R.E....Butts A'Runnin Race Enterprises. And yes, our last name is Butts. How ironic! We organize and direct BARE races at nudist clubs. Our BARElosophy is promoting nude recreation as a wholesome and positive experience. We want you going away from an event, wanting to return to it the next year. We are passionate about our participants having a well-managed and organized clothing-optional race experience. Our goal is to encourage others to improve their health & fitness, and to maintain an active & healthy lifestyle, whether it be bare or clothed.

The Bare Hare Sprint Duathlon is a new undertaking and has never been done anywhere else. THIS IS A LEGITIMATE EVENT! We have lots and lots of age group awards for individuals and team, loads of door prizes. And some "special" prizes. The restaurant will have a race friendly dinner on Friday night for those staying on the resort. This is a charity race for the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society, with a portion of your participant fee going to help join the fight against blood cancers that can strike all ages. Plus you get to use the wonderful facilities as part of your race fee, until 9 PM that night. Members of your entourage may attend as well, a very small entry fee to the facility applies.

One important clarification. The races we do are clothing-optional. That means you are not "required" to be nude if you wish not to be. That is an option that is entirely up to you. But most do "bare" it after a while, because they feel so relaxed in the atmosphere around them and "out of place" with their clothes on. For this event, though, you must wear a bike helmet on the biking portion. And shoes and socks are required, unless you're one of those barefoot runners. Only first names are listed on the results, unless we have your permission to use your full name. Also, please "bare" in mind that you must be 18 or older to compete in this event

So, whether you are just a beginner or expert, come on out and join us! Be a part of this Inaugural challenge and "DO the DU". There's nothing like it in this world!

Like some ad we once saw, said so eloquently, "Just "Du" It".

9) A sad but "oh so true" dissertation (with apologies to friend and fellow runner Albert Booth who, at 88, still functions AND runs better than I do):

I Sure Have Gotten Old

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia & circulation's so poor that I can hardly feel my hands & feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92 and have lost all my friends to the grim reaper.
Thank God, I still have my driver's license.

10) A reminder that you'll want to start getting your apps in for some of the other trail events in July. Herbert's Off Road Adventure is coming up in Allentown in early July. You won’t want to miss this inaugural event in the Lehigh Valley. One correction; the app said that you had the option of using a bridge over the creek at one part of the course, even though it would add some time to your run. Well, Lordy, Lordy! Guess what municipality decided to rebuild their bridge in their park? Yep, THIS one. So, EVERYBODY, bring your floaties! There's no "wimping out" now! Later in the month, you'll want to check out Don Morrison's longer Xterra race down in Nottingham, PAS, home of the generous Herr's Snack Food Company (if you haven’t tried their black pepper barbecue tortilla chips or pumpernickel rye pretzel sticks at one of Pretzel City's races, you have missed one of the TRUE JOYS of life!). Don runs a really awesome event, with door prizes galore, outrageous courses, wonderful organization, etc. And did I mention "wonderful timing" as well? The following week, it’s the excellent Marsh Creek Raptor Run, a race that has already become one of the most popular of the summer. Held in the park by the same name near the Downingtown exit of the turnpike, you can do either 1 or 2 loops of this 5 mile trail and again, taking the lead from the Double Trouble, decide in mid-race which one you want to do.

11) The "sometimes" misperception that Engineers have "sensitivity" issues:

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer one morning were behind a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed,

"What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

12) The Charlie Horse results on the Pretzel City site have been corrected. The names that got switched in the initial results posted have been corrected and our apologies to those that were switched. LOTS of positive feedback from those that did the event. The NEXT thing that the host Pagoda Pacers hope to find is a way so that the 2nd water stop doesn’t require you to run down into the gun club and then run the other way up the same trail as slower runners approach you. We THINK we have a solution but time will tell.

13) The wife came home early and found her husband "boinking" a very attractive young woman in their bed.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you & getting a divorce!"
The husband pleaded, "Hang on just a minute, dear, so I can tell you how you've totally misconstrued the situation."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!!And the husband began --"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car."

"I noticed that she was thin, poorly dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night - the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments."

Since she needed a good clean up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, since she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your Anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. Then, I went and found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas - the one that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive shoe boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued;

"She was so grateful for my understanding and help; and as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

"Sir, no one has ever been this kind to me before. Do you, by chance, have anything else that you could share with me that your wife doesn't use?"

14) If you find this email as welcome as Obama finds the news that Hillary wants to be his running mate, let us know that putting you on our subscriber list was far too "ambitious" and that we should correct our "vice".

Ron Horn
Pretzel City Sports

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